island

my friend amanda looked into my eyes. we weren't meant to heal on islands. i sat back. i've heard this before. probably worded differently and definitely sharpened with a religious edge.

the last 3 yrs have been spent healing. talking about it. living in it. sleeping. eating. feeling. choking. drowning. surfacing. floating. slipping. gasping. gulping air. slowly. slowly drifting. toes scrape against the sand. i think i can touch here?? foot solid, take a tentative step. it HELD.

since divorce, what used to be vocal has turned silent, inward. so many of my days have been spent in the solitude of my own head, thoughts, answers, arguments, pep talks, the goddamn fear, anxiety, resonance, oh i did that! wait, do i need this, of course i did, it's fine, yes ask, oh shit, hold on, later? is that ok? am i ok? i didn't know this about myself, i'm proud. frustrated, don't ask me for that, you KNOW how it makes me feel- well.... maybe you don't. maybe only i know how that makes me feel.

the island of my inner being. how does one get off this subconscious floating sphere. this isolated space that perfectly wraps around my every curve and bump and line. it knows exactly how long my legs are, where my hips are rounded, and my shoulders dip. the tilt of my head in worry, and my chin in the middle of a deep belly laugh. it knows me because it is me. i'm the island.

but the island can't wrap itself around my back in a crushing hug when you walk in. it doesn't focus on my eyes, and see the melt when you come into my view. it can't hear the softness in the words that drip from my tongue when i say your name. it won't dance without inhibition and bubble up a laugh in me, it abandons me when the tears well up and spill over my cheeks. it refuses to reach over and gently wipe my eyes with its thumb. the goodnight, i love you text simply won't come.

i can't heal on an island. so how do i stay off the island? how do i drag my thoughts into the open without fear of being dismissed? left? it's a shaky game. the rule book isn't included with purchase.

maybe the island doesn't need to be abandoned. i remember dumbledore and harry rowing together, in what was once a solo quest, searching for the horcrux. was there anyone more isolated than hogwarts' headmaster? the island became big enough for two. can you fit on my island? do you want to be on my island? do i hand letter an invite with my gray scaled copic, seal it with wax and send with an owl?

i want you here. carve out a spoon of sand, and sit here with me. bury your feet in the heat. shade our eyes from the brilliant burst of sunshine. can my fingers curl into yours? will they hold? i want to see what you're thinking. when you're proud. anxious. overwhelmed. comfortable. safe. confused. happy. peaceful. feel me. see what pours out of me when you ask. what lights on fire when you touch me. i'm scorched

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